A Weekend to Remember is the one conference that I recommend that ALL couples go to at least once. Family Life has done an awesome job designing these conferences to cover all the basics needed for married couples. This conference will help strengthen any marriage. Kelly and I like to go to this conference frequently. We have found that it helps us refocus and reminds us of all the things we know to do, but seem to forget as “life” takes our focus off each other.
“But our marriage is doing OK!”
I do not know about you, but I do not like settling for OK or fine or even pretty good. One line I took away from the recent movie Fireproof, “Marriage is meant to be so much more”. I strongly agree with that. There should be passion. There should be trust. There should be mutual support. This conference will help you improve these areas of your marriage.
“But our marriage is beyond saving!”
I strongly believe that with faith any marriage can be not only saved, but made into a strong vibrant relationship. If Kelly and I can make it out of the hole we dug, then anyone can. God has turned our marriage from wishing we both would die to being glad to see each other every day. Marriage like life is a struggle. It is only over when we give up on it and there is no breath left in our body. While this conference may not repair all that is broken, a Weekend to Remember can help you get started on the path.
“But I really do not need to go!”
Please do not be like the couples we end up counseling. Too often it is too late for couples when they finally ask for help. By too late, what I mean is that one or both have already given up on the marriage and nothing seems to be able to change their minds. We do not do maintenance on our cars when it is having problems, but when we are supposed to. Your marriage needs regular maintenance. Consider the Weekend to Remember as part of your regular maintenance program.
“But I…”
Oh, stop putting things off and show your spouse how important your marriage is to you.
“I have a question!”
Well I have a phone. Call me 304.261.6913.
~ Jay
Thought I’d share with you an interesting op-ed piece by Mark Regnerus titled “Say Yes. What Are You Waiting For?”. This lead to a Cover Story in Christianity Today and then a blog entry by on of my favorite theologeons, Albert Mohler. I strongly recommend all to read these, especially those with children. I have long been an advocate of sec being preached about as a positive and moving away from the negative. Sex is a gift from God. I still remember the first time I heard Josh McDowell when I was at Penn State with his talk on Maximum Sex. Rather than teaching people that sex is wrong, we need to be preaching that sex is awesome in marriage the way God intended it.
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If you are looking for the 40 day Love Dare to be an actual 40 days, then you are sadly mistaken and do not really know me that well. To me this is more of a journey of 40 steps, and occasionally it may take me a few days with our families hectic schedule to take a step. I recommend if you do take this journey with me that you do not get to caught in getting it all done in 40 days. It is to easy to beat yourself up if you miss a day. I did it on purpose.
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We live in a culture that is infatuated with Happily Ever After. I remember dreamily watching Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and many other movies wishing for my prince charming. I feel sorry for men today! What kind of expectations have we made them have to live up to? According to the story line they are to be handsome, charming, know our every need and sweep us off our feet. No wonder there is so much disrespect for the male of our species! They can’t get a break. Now don’t get me wrong even though I claim to not be a mushy girlie movie watcher I still end up watching Lifetime Movie Network or Hallmark with tissues. They are great stories but they are fiction! Men are fallible just as we are. Do not try to make your husband to be perfect. That will lead to you disrespecting him, maybe even demeaning him.
We need a reality check. The only perfect man the ever has been, was, is and will ever be is Jesus. Period. If you are looking for your spouse to be that then you will be let down and they will be crushed with the responsibility of unrealistic expectations. When was the last time you thanked him for his work? His fathering? His love-making? His just being there? For choosing you? Has he made mistakes? Have you? Think about it this way, his parents were not perfect so he is just doing the best he can with what he learned from growing up.
I guess I am writing this because I have seen too many divorces recently. I have seen too many wives disrespecting their husbands behind their backs, with their children present, and even to their faces. I have seen too many wives say that they want to leave their mate even though they have promised to love for better or worse, for richer or poorer! My heart aches. That doesn’t mean that I am immune. There have been times that I have talked bad about my husband to my friends and to my family. I have learned that all that does is feed the monster of discontent. Your family & friends will only encourage you to leave if they think you will be happier but what does God say?
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
Matthew 5:43-44 43″You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
So if love is all these things and we are supposed to even love our enemies shouldn’t we love our spouses too? Love is not a feeling. If it were then every marriage would end in divorce very quickly. Marriage is not a walk in the park. When we said our vows our eyes were glazed over with the romance of it all. Once life hits you a choice has to be made. Am I going to choose to love? Love is a choice. Love is an action. Jesus demonstrated that by an action. He died for us. How are you willing to demonstrate it to your husband? Show him that you love him!
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Did you know that the best sexual experiences are enjoyed by married couples? Popular marriage and relationship experts Bill and Pam Farrel are ready to ingite the passion fires in all marriages. With their trademark insight, humor and candid personal perspectives, the Farrels reveal truths about the sexual relationship in marriage and what you need to know to add spark and sizzle to your love life. You’ll discover how to create intimacy when you’re just too tired, to avoid the pleasure thieves that steal your chance for fulfillment, and more.
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We all know that the greatest commandment is to love. However, relatively few of us know how to express our love in the heart language of our family and friends. Fortunately, in The Five Love Languages Gary Chapman identifies the five primary love languages and teaches us how to use these languages to express our love. Although this edition of The Five Love Languages was written specifically for couples, the basic principles Chapman explores will apply to all relationships.
“German researchers argue that sexual frustration is a complex phenomenon not to be underestimated, according to a report on Spiegel Online International. According to the study, part of University of Göttingen psychologist Ragnar Beer’s Theratalk Project, of almost 32,000 men and women, the lack of sex can precipitate a downward spiral, pulling couples into a vortex of all work and no play, literally.” FOXNew
Beer’s team found that 36 percent of men and 35 percent of women who have sex only once a week take on extra work to compensate for their wanting sex life. It’s even worse for the hapless couples who have altogether lost their eye for one another. Forty-five percent of men and 46 percent of women who no longer have sex with their partner seek out other activities to salve their wanting libidos. Interestingly, a mere five percent of people who have sex at least twice a week find other activities as outlets for frustration. Beer warns couples to keep an eye on their sexual satisfaction, “rather than wait until it’s too late.”
I see this as related to the downward spiral often caused by the basic differences between men and women on sex. As a generalization, Men are released to give love through sex, and women are release to have sex through love. So if a man withholds love or a woman withholds sex, then the relationship will start what I call the “Spiraling Vortex of Doom.” At some point in every marriage this will happen. What it takes is for one of the spouses to have grace and show the other one unconditional love. What does that mean? It often means doing for our spouse what we would rather not do. What this can result in is a “Spiraling Vortex of Joy.”
How can we defend ourselves from the Spiraling Vortex of Doom? Well if you have not started down the spiral, you are in great luck. Just do not stop showing love to your spouse. Date each other on a regular bases. Go on a 2nd, 3rd, or what ever honeymoon. I encourage all couples to go on a Marriage conference at least every few years. Kelly and I try to go on one every year.
Today is about kindness. While I will not be restating all that is in the book (I want you to buy a copy to help the authors and publishers make money), I have to quote the following: “Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing. ” (p6.) I love when someone can simplify things so clearly. Patience will often keep you out of hot water. Kindness is what hopefully will keep you from even getting any where near being in trouble.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in college was something I learned outside of class. My freshman year I complimented one of girls from my quad. To me it was nothing special. It was a simple true statement about her appearance and character. But to her it was a big deal. It changed our relationship. We instantly went from acquaintances to friends. It was this small instance that I saw the impact of a few kind words.
Kindness is proactive. I am reminded of the Random Acts of Kindness idea that was big awhile ago. Do something nice for your spouse. For my wife I have 2 special things she has asked me to do for her; fill her water bottle at night and fill the dish washer. It always means more when I do it without her reminding me. There are a couple things I have started doing for her as much as possible without her mentioning it. If I get to the bedroom before she is in bed, I rearrange her pillows for sleeping, turn down the covers, and turn on her electric blanket if needed.
Two books I want to recommend on this subject. The first might surprise you, but it really is a book about kindness. “How to Win Friends & Influence People” is an awesome book by Dale Carnegie. The second book is one on my MUST read list for all couples, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Gary Chapman. When it comes to love, we all speak a different language and that is what this book is all about.
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Well, here begins my journey through the Love Dare. While patience is a virtue, it is one that I often find that I am lacking. I have had several days to work on this day (Yes, do not expect this to take only 40 days.) and I found myself getting mad at my wife and messing up on day one. The funny thing is that it was something small and I have already forgot why. Often this is the case. Most of the stuff we get upset about is the small stuff. Repeat after me, “It is just not worth it.” One of the skills I am sure we all need to work on is to only say the good stuff to our spouse. Our job is to encourage and build up our spouse. On that note, “Kelly, I love you and want you to know that marrying you is the second best decision I ever made.”
Recently we took a group from FBC to the Weekend to Remember Conference at Landown’s resort. To learn a little bit about what you might have missed check out the article from the Washington Post.
For those who went and need a refresher or those that missed it, FBC will be hosting our own marriage conference, Rated M for Married on April 24th-25th.
